Back in 2002 I wanted to shoot a video for the Eggplant Queens. The song I had in mind was "Don't Do That" and I went as far as drawing thumbnails for the storyboard. But when I pitched the idea to Jim (Muscarella), he didn't show much love for it. He just so happened to have his own idea for a "Don't Do That" video. I also caught wind that EQ, at the time, were looking to tone down the "silly" songs and weren't too keen on "Don't Do That". So between that and Jim's indifference, I never pitched the idea to EQ. In hindsight, I wish I did.
P.S. Jim never shot his version of "Don't Do That" either.
Above you'll see the characters I had in mind for the video. Bobby would play Saul Duckstein. (Little backstory: Saul was Mike Walch's real-life neighbor and the muse for "Don't Do That". Saul's wife also taught 1st grade at my elementary school, Jacob Gunther.) Steve Johnson would play Saul's wife, Michael McCarthy would play Saul's closeted Boy Scout leader uniform wearing son, and Mike Stamberg would play Saul's sex-crazed daughter – Mike already had the hair. Saul's antagonists would be played by EQ's three singers. Oh...and the part of the dog would be played by Steve's dog Milo (R.I.P.).
Here's how the video that never was would have played out...
We open on Saul tending his garden.
Cut to Sunnyside's hand hitting play on a boombox. "Don't Do That" blasts from the speakers.
Widen out to see Sunnyside sunbathing in a little thong Speedo®.
Saul yells at Sunnyside to turn it down ("Don't Do That!"). Sunnyside flips him the bird. We also see Saul's son catching a peak over the fence.
Sunnyside ignores Saul and flips over, revealing his tattooed eyes.
Cut to the Duckstein family about to have a quiet meal. Through the window outside we see Yo-Yo-Yolk with his dog.
Cut to outside. Queenie, the dog, takes a dump on Saul's lawn.
Saul: "Don't Do That!" Yo-Yo-Yolk flips him the bird.
Then Yo-Yo-Yolk begins to take a dump on Saul's lawn. (pixelated, of course)
Cut to a close-up of both dumps.
Cut to the Duckstein's relaxing in their home. The son and daughter are both reading Play Girl magazine.
Cut to Huevos Rancheros in his car outside the Duckstein house. He's primping.
Cut to Huevos' hand pressing the doorbell.
The door opens and Huevos drops his condoms in accordion fashion.
We see Saul's happy daughter but right behind her is Saul, unhappy.
Cut to Saul trying to watch TV (all the channels have EQ playing), but he's bothered by the noise coming from upstairs. Saul storms off.
We follow Saul upstairs as he comes to a door. (Eggplant Queens poster on door.)
Saul kicks open the door and finds his daughter in bed with Huevos Rancheros.
Then we see Saul's wife and son pop out from under the sheets! A foursome!!
"DON'T DO THAT!!!" Saul blows a gasket. That's the final straw.
Saul writes out some invites for a barbeque. Bygones will be bygones perhaps?
Sunnyside, Yo-Yo-Yolk and Huevos Rancheros receives the invites.
Cut to Saul mixing up a big bowl of meat. He has a maniacal expression on his face.
We cut to a bunch of burgers on the grill. One hot dog.
Cut to Sunnyside, Yo-Yo-Yolk and Huevos Rancheros enjoying their burgers at the party.
Saul's family are also enjoying their burgers.
While Saul enjoys his hot dog.
Cut to a telephone pole outside Saul's home. On the pole is a "Missing Dog" poster. Get it?
And here's Dave Jemmott explaining why Eggplant Queens cut the last verse of "Don't Do That"...